knotted

might make you cry, but my life has been knotted

This essay is going to be about how my life has been. Don’t read if you don’t wanna read this because it might be upsetting.

The two people that always loved me the most were my parents. That should be obvious. When I was younger, I was known as my mom’s shadow. I almost never left her side. I was scared of interactions, so I hung on to my mother’s hand or tugged on her shirt. Two peas in a pod.

My dad and I were always close, too. He was always there for me, and literally taught be the best lessons.

And when they died, I’ve never felt loved the way I was supposed to. I thought I was loved by so many people, but it’s never been the same. The only person I felt truly loved me the way I needed was my best friend.

I went seven years only feeling loved the way I needed from her. I never realized that until now.

Now, I’m finally feeling even more love. I met someone who I thought I would never like, let alone love, like this. He was someone I’ve never talked to, I never thought we were pull through, and I never thought we stay together because of our faith. But faith comes through right when you’re losing hope, and it’ll save him. I know it will.

I thought that if I found someone who loved me as much as I love them back that I would be happy. Of course, I am happy with him. I’m so so so happy- and lucky. He’s the happiness in my life right now.

I had passive thoughts. Nothing was going to happen. But I wish they did. My life felt like it was in knots and there were no way to brush them out. I barely texted my friends that week, I lay in bed, I couldn’t write good poetry, couldn’t read. All I did was brush my teeth, shower, and cry. I don’t know why I was so upset. This was all happening years (almost a decade) after my parents died. School was about to end, and maybe I was stressed over grades. But it wasn’t just that. I didn’t see a point in life anymore, I guess. It felt like people didn’t need me.

Lately, I’ve been much better. Life has been better because of the people, and the music I’ve been listening to. I know I’m not good at singing, but singing is fun.

What should you get out of all of this? Well, I want you to know that person I’m with makes me feel loved like never before. My friends are there, but they don’t answer the phone at 2am when I’m crying, they don’t ask for audio messages of me just singing before bed because they miss my voice, and they don’t talk all night with me about my parents. However, they probably would do those things, he’s the first. He’s the one I’ll love forever and ever; in every lifetime.